So today is my birthday. All I really want to do is eat a lot of cake, get a tan and go shopping!
But today is also the last day of the year. So to everyone else, Happy New Year!
See ya on the flip side.

Spiritual Journey

After having a few eye opening instances presented to me in such a way, I have found a new meaning to my life. Ironically being raised by a highly spiritual person, my mother, I have always had a type of gift. A gift to see things, to sense things, and to do things. It is a type of magic that I cannot explain nor wish to further expose – for it is my own experience and my historical lessons that complete me today. I have been taught much about our new step into a transcending and ever changing world. We are entering a new dimension of understanding as well as of action. This action refers to our spiritual revolution where the energy that makes us divine is now being used in a positive way to communicate to others the importance of this knowledge. What we must teach one another is how to use this gift to bring a positive light in this world that truly needs this change. We have come to face difficult times in our struggle of mankind and it is our duty to survive. It is not the survival of the fittest but of those wisest to use the gifts that we each carry inside. Millions still do not know of its existence thus the reason why we must expand our knowledge of the use of our spiritual world in order to cut the violence and corruption that so cunningly separates us from our humanity. This is not a religious conversion. This is not a persuading argument. It is but the truth of our existence! We have evolved throughout thousands of years. Where are we to go next? We cannot let go of the only good we have left in us: the power we have to unite in peace. Peace is what we are truly lacking and many of us have started the journey to find peace within ourselves. Which is the only place to start looking. Once one has found thus, we finally start uniting our energies to form unbelievable bonds with each other. The only battle worth fighting for is the love that we share for this planet. Our only planet that has given us so much. How can we neglect it now when it needs us the most? How can we turn our backs to the evident problem that arises everyday without bothering to look back? The truth is, we cannot. We must synchronize ourselves to the tune of nature. Of mother nature’s earth. There we can find all of life’s answers. And that may be just it! All of our lives we have been searching for a truer meaning when it lay hidden within us the entire time. We are a part of nature! Those who were enlightened and spiritually aware of this gift already knew how to use it and tried to spread it with some success. Yet that was a time when perhaps humanity did not comprehend it. But this, this is the day and age where we are looking for answers – for help. Our earth is crumbling down at our feet and we sit lazily at home letting it happen. If we do so, let us at least be looking for that meaning within us. Look inside for that particular energy that allows you to see all of the beauty that does survive on the outside. All of the symbiotic relationships that nature has presented to us are so important and so apparent that we just need to open ourselves to allow it to pierce through us. Then, we have found happiness and with that, our true energies.

Me 2.

I wrote this on February 4, 2003


i am: the worlds gate towards the sun’s shine
i think: about how tomatoes are red
i want: sum nail painting
i know: that the world is not round
i have: a wedgy
i wish: I had the power to stop time
i hate: the fact that im stressed
i miss: my boobs
i fear: that this stupid peach juice wont cool
i feel: the urge to pee
i hear: lupus
i smell: the essencial stuff my mom sprayed
i crave: money... and chocolate chip cookies
i search: for the truth inside the harp of life in which it plays often in my curiosity

i wonder: if I will dream tonight
i regret: nothing I have done.. I shouldn’t... im happy

i love: my life and everyone who has succeeded in making it amazing
i long: to get to drive by myself
i care: about everyone that I love
i always: exaggerate and randomnate
i am not: healthy right now...
i believe: my period will come soonnnnnn
i dance: when I feel like it.. especially when no one is watching
i sing: to break sum glass... and in the shower... and to annoy dende
i cry: when I remember memories that have passed by too fast and I didn’t enjoy them enough and when I miss the most important factors in my life: friends and family
i do not always: shave my legs... but I will start since its summer
i fight: with destiny creating my own fairy tale to live inside this broken bubble
i write: to write... a future book that will be published... ull see
i win: at making people laugh
i lose: I don’t... im cheap so I don’t loose money, but I do loose friends and I do loose stuff... and I do lose my mind
i never: stop... I am constantly loving and fearing and eating and hearing and writing and caring and thinking (well maybe not always... thinking)
i confuse: the heck out of everyone else
i listen: to my invisible friend
i can usually be found: sleeping in my bed or in front of the computer or around
i am scared: of not being there for my friends one day
i need: to get a life
i am happy about: having people that love me and care for me
i expect: to live in paradise

Me.

I wrote this May 18, 2004.

i am: who you think i am not
i think: about why there are words of why
i want: sum sex
i know: that im crazy in every possible way

i have: my period
i wish: i could have three more wishes
i hate: bumming around getting fatter
i miss: my boyfriend
i fear: that one day smeagol might come after me
i feel: my nose clogging up
i hear: the noisiest silence in my head
i smell: nothing since my nose is blocked
i crave: all power over the world! hahahahha (evil laugh)
i search: for the meaning of what everything is bound to be and is

i wonder: if Ill get laid soon
i regret: nothing... life goes on

i love: everything and anything that i do not hate or dislike

i long: to get my freakin car back
i care: about you
i always: seem to fall... seriously... im always falling everywhere...
i am not: sleeping right now
i believe: in the power invested in me
i dance: all the time
i sing: to annoy everyone with my nasty ass voice
i cry: with joy
i do not always: say the right words
i fight: destiny... for it doesnt exist... i exist
i write: for life
i win: because i made you smile today
i lose: because you cried and i couldnt make you laugh
i never: stop... ill always be around
i confuse: the heck out of everyone else
i listen: to the loudness of nothingness
i can usually be found: sleeping or sleeping with my baby
i am scared: of not being omnipotent
i need: you
i am happy about: it all
i expect: everything for everyone and nothing from no one

Dear Earth

Revenge never tasted so bitter
So sweet the nectar of suffering.
Torture, appall, reject, and make grieve -
Those disgusting sinners who blind,
Cannot choose to see
The beauty that lies in thee.
Castrate, the player whose phallus
Spreads - Contagious.
Destroy the bitches whose territories
She marked.
Betray the lovers whose promises
were broken.
Hate the corrupters of earth
Whose sole purpose is to perverse.
Do to others like what they've
Done to you:
Lie to them - and smile
while doing so.
Cater to their needs
While diminishing the carpet beneath.
Scream at silence
Whose mutiny pains the music.
Ignore all reason
React to ignorance
For it is bliss:
Not knowing the senses.
Kill the mothers of birth
Murder the fathers of life!
And soak in all your glory.

Vidas Pasadas

La muerte - lo unico que sobra
Ahora que el demonio se fue.
La razon - lo que falta
Ahora que el amor desaparecio.
La soledad - la unica amistad
Que aquella vida dejo.
Los anos pasan
Dejando
Las memorias sobrantes
de un pasado vivido y olvidado.
La Felicidad, como una abeja,
Trabaja y se esfuerza
Para adquirir una gota de
Simplicidad en un bosque
Vacio de nectar.
Todo hecho puede desaparecer,
Todo dicho existe por segundos
Nada infinito. Todo objetivo.
Todas las acciones, las sonrisas,
los besos, lo bueno -
Existe y desiste de ser
Porque el Tiempo viene y
Con el,
La muerte.

Sou nada e tudo

Ja cansei de ser usada
Abusada pelo amor
que tenho pelos outros.
Homens, amizades,
Horrores, amores.
Tudo que lutei
pra ter
Tudo que deixei
pra querer
Atingir uma meta
A unica:
Felicidade.
O problema nao existe
dentro de mim!
Nao pode!
é a culpa dos outros
Dos cegos, dos surdos,
dos cinistas, dos ignorantes!
Paredes imaginarias que
nao deixam os corruptas
verem que sou boa.
Nao me ignora
Nao me joga
Nao sou patetica
Mas serei, se ninguem
Quer me ouvir.

This is me.

I can't be that friend you want me to be.
I can't be that soul that lives stoically.
I can't keep every secret,
I can't hold every smile,
I can't go every meal
Without wanting to cry.

I can't give you my body
If you won't give it back.
I'll never give you my heart
Because it's already burned black.

I am not original
I am not thee
I am a decomposing corpse
Filled with mortality.

No coffin
No time,
No gun
No fire
Will keep me from sinning
All of life's evil desires.

Since I'm already dead
How can I feel
This mushy gutted thing
Rattling at the soles of my years?

It's a lie I say -
To breath so restlessly.
It's corruption I say -
To want nothing so desperately.

I won't mold this body
You won't capture my soul
For I am not living -
I'm only your hope.

Ahora

Un sabor, un deseo, una alma, una calma.
Quiero ser lo que no soy.
No soy mas que un ideal -
Algo inventado, romantico, placentero -
Un sujeto que no es.
Me da lo que no quiero,
Me da un dolor.
Aquella cosa,
Aquel fuego,
Se apago sin cambiar
Sin falta de viver.

Quiero tanto
Quiero poco
Quiero simples
Quiero todo.

Pedir apatia de un ser,
Vivir sin duda de querer,
Respirar sin sofocar,
Amar sin restricciones,
Aceptar sin juicio,
Seria,
La perfecta vida.

Alone

There exists a type of loneliness
that can never be described.
Too big of a void
That a body cannot hide.

An emptiness - a stoic smile
A feeling that - never dies.

No one taken can understand
Those looks of lust and sin.

That broken silhouette
of lovers mating in the sun swept sea,
Convulsing of pleasure
in momentary ecstasy.

Pendulum swinging with orgasms
breaking
A feeling a soul will never go on
forgetting.

It's those innocent winks,
Those deadly promises
That keep one alive
Until nothing is left to be broken.

John Doe

It's like a body ceased to be
And no one cared to look.
It's like a pleading cry for thee,
That no tissue tried to soak.

It's a wake up call
That kept on ringing.
It's a plea for help
That no one needed.

It's that bloody dream
- in the street
- in plain sight
- in desperation
- in mind
That no one tried to memorize.

Dreaming Awake

Don't sleep. Don't fall asleep.
Don't rush into dreams - just yet.
The rising moon upon its darkened path
Remains still this evening.
No eyes will close at his rise.
No yawning breaks will pause his wrath,
Too much is to be done.
So my dear,
Don't surrender - yet.

Lust times two

Falling in lust with a stranger
Hurts to leave oppression behind.
An incessant feeling of betrayal
Upon a soulless creature so divine.

Hand of fate fell far from desire
A wandering eye corrupted by a varnished fire
No more torturous longing
For the comfort of a forgetful body.

Dull, witless, spirited - sex
Non reciprocated, despised, used - less
Abandon all lust!
A necessity beyond that beating heart.

Smash my chest
Hollow inside -
No use in mending,
Throw me outside.

Descent to Hell

Wretched souls abandoning Hope.
Lying in lies labored by leopards.
Falling limbs receiving no comfort.
The Devil is testing and not accepting
No truth survives within a fictitious world
Created by sinners - destroyed by youth.

Raped

Confusing bodies with drug filled promises
Blocking all feel from strange hands and faces.
Untrue to words whispered within sheets of hate,
Orgasmic relief is only a lifetime away.

Spaces vacant

Spaces vacant
No room for apprehension.
Air - relentless
Earth - unchanged.
Fire descended
- depths of Satan's wrath
No Angels fleeing His
Judgement day.
Rationally ceased
Senses abandoned
Perception - lies
Deception - destroyed.

Me Deixas Louca

Me Deixas Louca Lyics - Elis Regina

Quando caminho pela rua lado a lado com você
Me deixas louca
E quando escuto o som alegre do teu riso
Que me dá tanta alegria, me deixas louca
Me deixas louca quando vejo mais um dia
Pouco a pouco entardecer
E chega a hora de ir pro quarto escutar
As coisas lindas que começas a dizer
Me deixas louca
Quando me pedes por favor que nossa lâmpada se apague
Me deixas louca
Quando transmites o calor de tuas mãos
Pro meu corpo que te espera
Me deixas louca
E quando sinto que teus braços se cruzaram em minhas costas
Desaparecem as palavras, outros sons enchem o espaço
Você me abraça, a noite passa
E me deixas louca

Me roubaram a vida denovo

O corpo da música que ontem quis,
O poder das letras que hoje perdi,
Os versos perversos dos sexos injustos,
As letras daquela energia voraz,
Os móveis que cantaram aquela canção,
Os contos esquecidos, achados e perdidos,
A tinta que escreveu a melodia distante
A repentina razão que foi escolhida,
A apatia restringida, abusada e desistida,
De uma mão cansada de viver,
Palavras únicas que já existem,
Um paladar dolorido por querer,
A língua do artista cortada,
A mão do pintor arrebentada,
O pincel, a palavra - a lona, o papel.
A unica coisa deixada,
A unica veia viva.
Uma história que sempre terá
A maneira de comprovar,
A pura existência do artista,
que já morreu na página vista.

Seasons

Where are the smokey peaks
of such intense winters?
Where are the bears
not hidden in dreams?
Where is the chill
of doom and slumber?
The heat dispersed -
defied.

Where are the flowers
Children of great source?
Where is the warmth
of summer's splendor?
Lost in a nightmare
betrayed by her power.

Where is the breeze
of fishes dominions?
Where are the offspring
of mammal's milk?
Where is the whole
of loved nature?
Found in the bloom
of yesterday's play.

Summer is missing
Radiating complete,
Where is the soul of the missing sun?
Standing behind that cloud.
Rains pouring heat,
Smiles of tomorrow's promises.

Rouge Wrist

Her hand is still warm from the words she wrote.
So warm - it even bleeds.
Strawberry blood down her wrist.
Red sometimes looks black in the heat.

Thee

I'm an easy target for loving.
Easy fucking, easy money.
Riding fast in convertibles,
Loving bad on kitchen tables.

Perhaps I live off a dream
A lie, a desire,
A helpless scream.

I cry at night knowing you won't love me.
How you will use me and throw me,
Like a long forsaken junkie.

But I'll be here,
With my body rotting,
Sagging slowly,
Pissing bloody.

I'll open up to you.
My legs, my aura, my life so free.
I'll sell you, I'll buy you,
I'll love if you - if you open up to me.

We fuck behind gardens,
In the streets,
In the bars.
We never make love in the bedroom
In the foyer under the stars.

You push and moan,
You set me free -
You rip me open
So naturally.

Why can't you be honest.
Tell me these lies are promises.
Tell me my body griefs,
For an empty love of thee.

The Montera Game

A player knows the game.
A gambler remembers the cards.
An addict counts his money.
A hooker, what she'll charge.

The bills show a number.
The joker, his plays.
The phobic, his chances.
The liar - his fate.

I am that liar.
I am that cheat.
That good for nothing whore,
Who doesn't settle for defeat.

I spread my legs so tenderly,
I choose to give my all,
For vulgarity.

A monotonous lie I refuse to hate
Over and over with such monotonous disgrace.

I accept the billiards,
The cards,
The jokers,
The queens,
The bachelor's,
The smokers.

But I refuse to regret charity,
Of kindness of others,
Or smells of prosperity.

I accept the obscenities,
The screams, the money,
the defeat - the lies, the hustling.

When that day comes,
I'll be ready.
For the crown,
The jewels,
The wedding.

I'll give into the game -
I promise.
I'll stop the lies -
The conflicts.

I'll love again.
Pure, true,
Raw, and new.
I will.

Sex

When you want me,
You adore me.
When you lust me,
You fulfill me.
When you need some love and care,
You smile and moan.

When you need to cum and swear,
I'm your kicking stone.

I hope for single days of wisdom,
To long for love and maybe your lust of freedom.

I strip and bone,
I smoke and groan.
I perpetuate,
And never once, did I ever take.

For every pleasure I am given -
To the choices I have forgiven.
For pure vanity and muse,
A love life being used.
For an orgasm so wanted,
I made a promise - always broken.

To complicate such sweet love,
To endure such messy lust,
I would rather rot away
In a cave of solitude then to know such hate.

Agora

Um sabor, um desejo, uma alma, uma calma.
Quero ser o que não sou.
Não sou além desse ideal.
Alguma coisa inventada, romantica, prazerosa.
Um sujeito que não é,
Uma saudade que não foi,
Me dá o que não quero,
Me dá uma dor,
Aquela coisa,
Aquele fogo,
Apagou sem querer,
Sem falta de viver.
Quero tanto,
Quero pouco,
Quero simples,
Quero tudo.
Pedir apatia de um ser,
Viver sem duvida de mudar,
Respirar sem sufocar,
Amar sem restrições,
Aceitar sem julgamentos.
Seria,
A perfeita vida.

Sao Paulo. Te Amo.

Sao Paulo

Ode to Sampa,
A city of bright lights filled with smiles - just sits there living, breathing. It inhales the daily sun while expelling the nightly fog. A monotonous swing of endless consumption creates literal rivers of smog. Debris of everyday living of people passing by gets winded away into the clogged waters of what once was a beautiful river. The division of worlds is obvious. Rich and poor. And mixed. A people so mixed with ancestry, with history, with conquer - so different, unique, and the same. The sharing of passion and adoration for a city that makes itself their home. Streets are painted with art. Trees dominate the vivacity of colors. Tall giants of the corporate world rule the skies with their presence. Followed by the bluest sky of a different kind. A blue with brown but all the same, its ours. This city is ours.

Saudades

Saudades is a particular word that Brazilians use to describe the action verb of missing someone, something. It is a word that doesn't exist in any other language but in portuguese. It describes a feeling so deep and strong that a mere word isn't enough. It is beyond an idea, beyond an equation, beyond any other understanding besides what it is. It is love. It is knowledge. It is a presence that satisfies a need. It's a custom. It's food. It's a type of laughter. It is the sea. It is the people. The language. The music. Nature. Rhythms of earth. Of smells, taste, sounds, textures, sights. It's my home. I will leave this home soon and with me it will go to the unknown. This sense of saudades will follow me in a lifetime of journeys across the universe.

I miss so many things in my life. I am suppose to be use to moving around all the time. Obviously I am thankful for all the opportunities I have had in life traveling. But the one thing I don't like about my life as a nomad, is leaving all the people that I love behind; every time that I move. It's a feeling that eventually hurts and doesn't subside. I miss people. I miss my friends. My family. My life in every place that I have set foot in. I miss laughing in a different language. I miss driving on the opposite side of the street. I miss spices with foods. I miss the highs of legality. I miss the quality of good beer. The savory smells of grapes in wine. I miss the movement of dances in cultures. The burning of fires in nature. The festivities under moonlight. Everything that has made my life complete, I miss. Although I have to admit, I have had a pretty fucking good life so far and I am dying to experience much much more.

No Moderation

A spiritual journey is needed at this time. And it must be done. To save oneself from the sanity that reality incorporates, one must give in to a transcendental space of dream. Of imagination tinted with the aid of geometry, I volunteer for this spiritual gathering of my soul.
I will connect, I will direct, I will consume, devour, savour, and love what I shall do. For I and this energy will be one.
Begins... soon.

voyage

so im tripping on something. something. something. what a word something. and nothing means a lot and something too. but nothing feels lonely in its nothing world. it could be bored but it has its nothing friends to play with. play. i wanna play. with pudding and water balloons and rose petals. but only petals because thorns hurt. and no one wants to hurt. we just want to play with petals and pudding and balloons. to smoke or not to smoke. that is the question. i left reality a message once i stepped out the door. i hope it reads it. but ill be back soon anyway. its like i went to buy milk and then came back and reality didnt read the note yet. im going to smoke. i settled it. its my decision. its a new day and something is happening in the nothing. does that mean nothing is turning into something? wow. what a thing. this journey would be funner with people. but i have words just like nothing has its nothingness. oglog. hog. dog. hi. low. up. down. down and about in the wheel of a spout and it turns when it likes just like bicycle tracks. woop woop. dop doll. so next on the agenda is to make it squirl. SWUIL. swwet. sweet. doce. dulces. tchalk. talk. and then it went inside out and upside down till it couldnt roll around.

Bullshit

The minute I thought that my bad karma was gone, it comes back full throttle.
I welcomed this year with open arms and a good attitude. I couldn't have asked for a better beginning. It just seems that life has a funny way of showing that it cares. With all the shit that has happened, I have lost faith in the goodness of life. Maybe just temporary faith. I also don't know if I believe in Karma anymore. Mainly because I honestly try to do good in my life and to others and yet, it doesn't come back to me at all. So does this mean that I have to give up on believing? I feel like I have become a better person, but life doesn't think that of me. I don't want to victimize myself (too late), but I am getting my ass handed to me and I just want to know why. Why does all this shit happen to just me? Why do I deserve it? And what did I do wrong? Give me a sign and maybe things will be okay. Give me a sign proving that I can believe in something better and that life isn't just a box of shits.

I am walking the path of a lost one in life.

I venture out into the world alone in this quest to quench my thirst for more.
Despite being independently aware of my capabilities as a loner, I walk along this path with my only companions: the sun and my destiny.
So in many moments of my day-to-day I find myself contemplating where my body would go as compared to where my mind should rest.
I am a nomad at heart, and wherever this world may take me, I will kindly accept its hand in journey.


Anyway, I love writing in Spanish when the moment inspires me. So here is something I wrote not too long ago that captions my thoughts on the previous blurb.

Me dejare llevar
Al final del todo.
A la carretera
Perdida en el momento.
Con el sol y el destino - companeros.
Me voy.
Luchando contra el tiempo
Peleando contra el olvido
Me voy.
Dejo mi cuerpo.
Llevo mi mente.
Ya estoy.

Loss

My very first great loss as an artistic came at the end of 2009. A year, I might add, that did wonders for me in the negative aspects of life. So as it is, 2009 ended badly. I lost about 13,000 files from my computer to a dumb mistake that I had allowed myself to make. Files containing approximately 10 years worth of work. Short stories, poetry, essays, chapters to a book I was writing and about 8,000 photographs containing years of endless memories. Needless to say, I lost everything I, as a writer, ever wrote. Perhaps a lot of people may not see this as such a great loss. But when someone who is steering their lives towards words, it was the biggest digital death of my life. With despair, anger and sadness, my busy mind was at work. The following piece of poetry, I guess you can call it that, comes from the following days of mourning.


Mourning the loss of words and images,
Yet sounds remain the same.
Perhaps this loss will stir a refuge,
A home, a dream - in vain.

A chaotically written past stands
Pure in a memory so strange
And forward must remain
As a new chance for change.